When I am drowning in a bottomless, murky ocean of melancholia,if you volunteer to be my 'heoric saviour',I would instantaneously spurn your seemingly selfless gesture of help!Are you wondering if I would rather accept and offer of 'uplifting conversation' with a school friend in my most personal moment of engulfing misery, disappointmentt or depression?Sorry. I'm afraid the answer is invariably a 'No'.
However, had you seen me in my happy, cheerful mood you would surely find it difficult to relate the "social pariah" side of me with the "crowd entertainer" one! Believe it or not, 'Loneliness' is my archenemy when I'm bubbling with happiness and merry, but ironically, I would gladly shun myself from 'human company' if I'm engrossed in reflections or sulking in despair !
'Solitude' is invariably my secret hideout whenever I feel like a defeated warrior after losing the occasional battles of Life. Nothing feels so secure than to 'be on my own' as I'm teetering on the brink of a clasping depression or stubborn tantrums ! No matter how vicious be the storm of fury rummaging through my head , I would irrevocably flee to a tranquil , serene and endearing surrounding before I confronted the 'rebellious' inner ME ! The sole urge to hide myself away from every one's probing eyes ,in my moment of sudden despair or lingering embarrassment , overpowers my amicable attitudes and renders myself unresponsive , cold and introvert.
I prefer to be solitary whenever 'helplessness' crumbles my towering stamina not because of my fear of shame or self-consciousness.It's rather due to my insatiable , innate longing to ponder , by resorting to deep ,spiritual reflections, on my annoyingly ever-present vices. And , in that dire moment of salvation, I would love nothing but to embrace 'solitary hours' with my arms wide open ! A hardcore anti-pessimism, I can't imagine myself radiating the evil,negative energy of aggression, hostility and fury to the dear people living in my surroundings. So , to loneliness I see shelter and succumb to momentarily , with the flickering hope of resurrecting once again as a peaceful human being!
Once I emerge 'victorious' against the ever-potent rival - Agony - I can't wait but to return to the 'blissful crowd' of friends, family and neighbors . To me, my 'moment of euphoria' isn't meant to be treasured selfishly but to shared with everyone! Whenever my lips curl into a content smile, I want to bask in the love of my ever-familiar group of beloved ones. Nothing else matters more when I'm jubilant than to induce my 'ecstasy' into others as well, so together we can relish the stoical, ethereal bliss of the precious moment.
My personal triumph at any aspect of life hardly prompts me to be boastful rather I gladly enjoy myself in the rapturous humility that lies in the acknowledgement of gratitude to others! The company of my beloved family, wonderful friends and entertaining neighbors alone itself makes ecstatic whenever my spirit's soaring high! Most of the time , I find myself both craving and striving for a little reason to 'smile', so that, I can lighten up the miserable souls around me by emanating the positive energy of optimism !
Does it need telling that 'life' , the most phenomenal experience of any organism , is a surreal combination of 'despair' and 'pure glee' ? So find our moods always swinging from high to low merely to maintain a harmonious balance of 'emotions' . Need I be any different ?!
Ciao ;)
Senorita Enchantress
31/07/2012
31/07/2012
