At Crossroads with Bygone and Nowadays

Not everyday do I feel like striking my pen on the tactile paper or transforming an overflowing stream of thoughts into words. Sometimes I’m just pensive, in aimless contemplation for hours, while at other times my mind appears unusually vacant. The stark emptiness gnaws at my conscious mind; I resort to blank, unblinking stares. Somewhere within me a timid voice murmurs: let silence muffle your words unsaid. . .

Here and now, often I feel gagged, lost and yet rebellious. As each day elapses, sanity eludes me gradually and so does slumber. Unwittingly I discover my shadow dancing on the cusps of insanity. No, this inexplicable madness has little to do with me not being in my right mind. How to explain this maddening nauseating sensation isn’t within my grasp either. I think nowadays things, people and incidences around me are a bit too irritatingly stable, unchanging. I feel as if my brain is in a lethargic limbo!

Sometimes frustration envelopes me like the consummating darkness; the girl inside me screams a piercing silent scream but nothing stirs. The inner rebellion that’s raging a wild storm shamefully fails to penetrate the facade of calmness on my face! Is this a part of growing up that every other teen like me experiences? Or am I just undergoing some weird trauma due to my pathetic state of inactivity at the moment?

Had it been practically possible I wouldn’t have thought twice before mutating to a new self, shedding off my exhausted, battered and downcast self! Right now, the profundity of my silence is in severe clash with the loud, defiant inner voice. Does it need telling that I’m unendurably bored of being the lone audience of witnessing my own apocalypse and rejuvenation? What if my futile, frail attempts at emulating a mythical phoenix carry on relentlessly? Is it within my power to bring it to a halt when my shield of patience begins to rust? I don’t know.

Yet again, I catch myself saying life is as equally unpredictable as it is mysterious. Back when my traumatized brain was weighed down with insurmountable study loads, could I ever foretell how I’d loathe my short-lived leisure as it comes? I think we, human beings, are the weakest creatures when it concerns building an impregnable, connecting bridge between our dreams and reality! Often we do not know certainly if we want to reach the horizon or just stop midway to speculate a passing by object of wonder. Do we actually know where the butterfly stops or the sky begins? Aren’t we always on the run, day and night, without knowing where the finishing line lies? Our rapidly shrinking world seems to be an ever-stretching, ever-winding and unending race track! So we run anyway.

In the end, what makes each of us different from each other is how we look at life but not how we live it. No matter how ordinary and uninteresting we may seem to the world, inside each of us resides an extraordinary being ,ready to leap at the first opportunity of expression! Yet some of us choose to show it, while some prefer to play behind the curtains. When it comes to me, I think I chose the latter crowd. As my best friend recently complained, there is an other side of me which seem foreign to her . . . a part which is so unlike me. Now when I come to think of it, I figure out I have changed unwittingly during the days of our emotional conflicts. Perhaps people who used to know the "old" me are at unease with my new persona, or perhaps I'm yet an amtature when it comes to introducing my ever-changing thoughts .

These days ,whenever I spent lazy hours reclining on my bed or sitting in an idle posture by the window, my mind desperately craves to go back to the younger, vivacious and fun-filled times! Gilded memories of  tiresome but exhilarating school days sway like a soothing breeze along the preiphery of my existence. Fed up with all the latest hype about personal achievements,as one finishes school, more often I seek for solace, recalling the myriad,highly imaginative and virtually unattainable childhood dreams I cherish till date!

They say ,when you're young and restless, your dreams change all so fast as you leap from one year to the other. But does that mean we lose them forever from our hearts because our new aspirations are more dominating and practical ? How about being a little daring once in a while to give our forgotten ,fading dreams the flamboyant hues of a fresh rainbow ? In the past, being quite obsolete about accepting new ideas, amazingly, these days I believe differently. My countless day to day experiences have taught me I can overcome every impossiblity with perseverance, firm faith and will power!

In truth, isn't it actually a matter of time or luck before we get a headstart into our desired destinations ? But before our dreams and realities collide, don't we all have to survive the preceeding crux : the interval of genuine patience and efforts ? Needless to say , nowadays whenever hopelessness consummates me, I remind myself of my bygone resolutions ,and how they deserve fulfillment. Perhaps I was more motivated in the past , maybe I easily give up these days but what is still unchanging is my incessant desire to strive for better outcomes! That flickering ray of glowing optimism ,in my ocean of darkness, still lights my way as I timidly step onto the seemingly unending quest to become a true human being. Not surprisingly , this inner transition is what I believe gave deeper meanings to my poems nowadays . . .

The more I see of Life with a renewed vision , I more I realized I might be at crossroads with who I should be right now. Nevertheless, deep inside me, I certainly know I am not confused at all ! After all, good things take time and till the wait ensues , what else but the following verses can better describe my nirvana ?!

Arms raised, bent knees
While her vision blurs in the mist
Holding back tears of anguish

She vows to Him not to ever cease

Till her soul bids farewell,
The last breath evades , till she perishes
Her Faith should not falter the least
Let despair engulf her or the treacherous bliss

She promises Him not to ever cease

To forever hope and pray
Whatever ordeals now before her lay
Let tomorrow be a better day!

Sinorita Enchantress
sinorita.bushra@yahoo.com
June 26th , 2012